Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Woolly Bully

Check this article out and then come back. (Please.)

Thank you for coming back! (We try to be polite around these parts.)

So some Japanese scientists are planning to bring woolly mammoths back to existence? Didn’t these people learn anything from Jurassic Park 1, 2 or 3? (Okay, let’s just pretend that JP3 never happened. Moving along now…)

I can totally envision it:

You’ve been transported five years into the future of the Land of the Rising Sun. The streets of downtown Tokyo are full of people screaming wildly as they run away from insanely-large pachyderms, which are knocking buildings down, left and right. The camera – Oh yeah, forgot to mention that this is my portrayal of the documentary about this whole fiasco. Moving along… -- pans in on a taxi cab, moments before it is squashed like a bug under the foot of a gigantic woolly mammoth. The Japanese people are in peril from a large monster! They need… Justin Bieber!

And then it progresses from there, naturally.

(Note: Yes, this is where I get bored of my little scenario and … OH MY GOSH! What the heck is that?! Right there, behind you!! Oh, I thought I saw something. Maybe it was a woolly mammoth or Justin Bieber or something... Uh, where were we. Let’s see. Why thank you, my hair does look fabulous. That is so kind of you to say.)

I think it is high time that we start making all children watch Jurassic Park – and maybe the second one, but definitely not the third – as a precautionary tale. Then we should make them all write reports, because the surest way to get something into a youngster’s head is by making him write a report.

(Yes, I’m kind of like the Dog Whisperer or Horse Whisperer – whichever floats your boat – only for kids.)

(But don’t call me the Kid Whisperer. That just sounds creepy.)

(I mean, even creepier than one might feel while finding Justin Bieber pictures for his blog... hypothetically-speaking, of course.)

Um, that’s all I got for right now. I promise to have some more words for you guys sometime before those wily scientists clone a woolly mammoth. (Or J. Bieb.)

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