Thursday, January 26, 2012

Keeping Up with the Ducks

One of the lucky people who shares the same domestic dwelling as myself -- and may or may not be Mrs. Ducks Out Of A Row -- happens to like tv shows featuring Kardashians.  I am feeling the need to share something with you pertinent to this fact...

So there's this show called "Kim and Kortney Take New York" (or something to that effect... I'm not 100% sure and, admittedly, do not care enough to fact check this).  It features an uber-talented and not-nearly-famous-enough lady named Kim Kardashian.  (That's weird, the patented Sarcasm Detector 3000 here at Ducks is going haywire.  Huh.)

Evidently -- remember, I'm not the fan of the show -- Kim (the show's apparent "hero") got married recently to this basketball player named Kris Humphries.  The two seem to be having a problem adjusting to married life.  (Happens to all of us, right?  Right??)  Now, the editors are portraying Kris as some kind of doofus -- or maybe he's portraying himself as such in a brilliant performance -- but I think he's simply misunderstood.  (Many geniuses are.)

You know, in spite of their current problems, I think the two will work it out and have a long, happy marriage.

Also, I'm thinking the show will probably sweep the Emmys for all the major categories, including:  Best Actress, Best Writing, Best Use of Curvaceous Body in a Crappy TV Series and Best Prop (which will go to Kris Humphries).

That show does boast a rather talented cast.  (Why is the Sarcasm Detector 3000 shaking violently???)

Editor's Note:  R.I.P. Sarcasm Detector 3000.


Thursday, January 19, 2012

The Blackout is Over!!!

Wikipedia's 24-hour blackout to protest the proposed anti-Internet bills  H.R. 3261 and S. 968 is now over. As such, the staff here at Ducks has determined that our considerably-more-impressive protest blackout -- you know, the one that has been going since last April -- is also over.  


(Or maybe 2011 was a really awful year -- probably the worst since I lost my mom to cancer in 1999 -- and it is time to get back on my feet and bring you, my beloved billions of readers, even more award-winning content than ever before.)


If you've never heard the sound of the enter world rejoicing at once, take a minute and listen to the collective reaction to this news. That is what it sounds like.


I saw on CNN -- scrolling across the bottom of the screen, nonetheless -- that a company was going to have "slightly-less than expected losses" and couldn't help but wonder if that is cause for celebration or not? On one hand, slightly-less than expected losses" is considerably better than "significantly-more than expected losses." On the other, it's still losses. So do they break out the bubbly? Do they fire some office slackers (the ones who contributed to the not-enormous losses)? Do they hire me for a very large fee to fire some office slackers? If they were smart, they would!


(It's things like that that I wonder about... and fully assume that means you do, too.)


I like seeing what Internet searches are popular and trending. (The "trending" part is important, because if I'm just going with "popular," there would probably be a lot of results for adult-themed websites.)


Speaking of "adult-themed websites," people were looking up "Bikini bodyguards train in China." Bikini bodyguards? Are we really sure that Communism isn't the way to go? (Okay, I completely acknowledge that this isn't "adult-themed" -- more like "PG-13-themed" -- but I needed a good segue.)


Sometimes a good segue isn't needed.


It was recently brought to my attention that MTV ignored my pleas to send the Jersey Shore cast to Iran for the new season. I don't know what they are thinking. I mean, I'd actually watch the show if that was the premise.


Random rambling? Popular Internet searches?? Sending the Jersey Shore kids to the Middle East??? Clearly, Ducks is back!