Monday, February 21, 2011

The Greatest Idea of My Life Ever

This is going to be a short one today, peeps. See, I'm still not feeling like myself and, whereas I'm certainly not one who feels obligated to post, I am toughing it out and taking one for the team today. (Note: You guys are "the team.")

"What could possibly coerce our beloved Ducks Guy into doing this?" (You are very likely asking yourselves...)

Well, I have to make a public apology (according to the Ducks' legal department).

I need to apologize to the fine folks at Taco Bell -- the people who make delicious "beef-flavored-product-that-represents-beef" tacos -- for claiming that their food gave me food poisoning. Wasn't them...

It was McDonald's.

Just kidding. It wasn't a food chain. I didn't have food poisoning. I was "just" sick. (I know, you are all probably disappointed. I mean, "poisoning" is scandalous and exciting. "Sick" is lame. All the mystery and intrigue of the apparent conspiracy has evaporated. My bad.)

I realized this because I'm still kind of feeling it. And I found out that I had a three-digit temperature on Thursday night... well beyond 24-hours after my Taco Bell excursion.

Since this is kind of a crappy post, and my last one was a total partial cop-out post, I'm going to make it up to you with quite possibly the greatest idea I've ever had. So check this out, yo...

My next post will be interactive. I'm going to answer questions... questions provided by you guys!


1) First ten questions that appear in the Comments section will be answered in the next Ducks post.
2) One question per person. (Or else I would just jump in and fire off ten before anyone else has a chance.)
3) If we don't get to 10, I will create random questions. Or use Google's autocomplete function to find ones that a lot of people apparently ask. Either way...
4) Nothing too personal. (Ducks Out Of A Row is always better when it's not too much about me... Think of today's debacle as an example of that.)
5) No prizes.
6) No entry fee. (Hopefully this alleviates any pain from Detail #6.)
8) No questions about Justin Bieber. (J. Bieb jokes are a thing of the past here at the Ducks.)
9) If you don't want to know, don't ask.
10) If you want incredible answers, ask incredible questions.

Pretty simple, huh? Now let's see what you got!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Total Partial Cop Out

Alright peeps, it's like this...

So yesterday we had the great Bernard Pivot blogfest hosted by Nicole at One Significant Moment at a Time. It was a tremendous amount of fun for all parties involved and I want to publicly thank her for putting it together. (Thanks, Nicole!)

Yesterday I also had some really BAD Taco Bell. We are talking "food poisoning" levels of badness. I'll spare you the details, but I just want it to be known that I'm not bringing my A-game today... and I feel awful about that. Here I have a bunch of new followers -- Hi, new followers!! Welcome to the Ducks! -- and I am struggling to roll out some fantastic new content…

I have body aches, am freezing half-to-death (although, it's always extremely cold in this part of the office...) and did not have a single twenty minute stretch of actual sleep last night. (I feel bad for my wife, because I probably set a new world record for "times tossing around in bed by a single entrant.")

(Note to self: Contact Guinness World Records.)

(Note to Guinness World Records: It IS a totally legit record and I swear that I will stalk you until you put me in your record book.)

Okay, I know that I was going to spare details, but I can't remember the last time I threw up from non-drinking purposes. Not that I drink to that level of inebriation anymore... Mostly I'm thinking back to college days. Except the night of my Grandma's funeral, when I might have had "a few too many." But that was just unhealthy coping on my behalf.

(She was quite awesome and I miss her.)

Anyhow, this post is clearly not up to par. Now, being the world's greatest problem-solver that I am (You taking notes, Guinness people?), I thought that today might be a nice chance to put together a sampling of "The Best of the Ducks." (Not sure if that is world record-worthy or not, but we should probably assume that it is.)

Without further ado...

My take on bully holidays:

Ducks Out Of A Row resolutions:

One of the few times I get political:

How to incorporate Bill Cosby, Jerry Maguire, Outkast, Jersey Shore, and Bill Gates into a single post:

Sometimes I get awards:

Sometimes I host Justin Beiber contests (well, not quite...):

And, just because I can, this post (the very one you are reading right now):

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Bernard Pivot Blogfest

Nicole Ducleroir @ One Significant Moment at a Time is hosting this cool blogfest, with the chance of winning prizes! The blogfest is aimed at getting to know your fellow bloggers better.

All you have to do, is to answer the following questions:

What is your favorite word?

“Yes.” When people tell me that, I love it. (Except when I ask “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”) (Note to self: Stop asking that… especially to random elderly people on the streets. They are just soooo brutally honest.)

“Yes” is a leaping ground for possibility. Kind of like “Hey, would it be okay if I borrowed your cat for this play I’m putting on in my garage?” If you don’t ask, you don’t get the cat. (As I’m fond of saying…)

I’m a “possibilities” kind of guy, so I suppose there is something to that.

What is your least favorite word?

Well, if “yes” is my favorite, it would be natural to assume that “no” is my least favorite, right? Wrong. (Sorry about that, folks…)

The “N” word is my least favorite. I can’t even force myself to type it out. There are some other, vulgar words that make the list, but the hatred that particular word entails – for no good reason – makes me sick to my stomach.

(If you don’t know what the “N” word is, it’s a racist term for someone whose skin just happens to be a bit darker and rhymes with “Tigger.”)

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Creatively: booze

Spiritually: booze

Emotionally: booze

(Okay, time for the real answers: “Other impressive creative works, regardless of medium. An incredibly written song, a page-turner book, any movie featuring Pauly Shore, etc.” “Kindness.” “Positivity.”)

What turns you off?

Bureaucracy. (Note: I work in one of the most bureaucratic kinds of work environments and it drives me nuts!)

What is your favorite curse word?

Now, I actually don’t swear all that often. For one thing, I’m a pretty laidback guy most of the time. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers. For another thing, I tend to think a bit before I speak and I generally filter out “bad” words. It seems that a lot of swearing happens “in the moment” and without giving pause. That’s just not how I roll.

That being said… I’m a terrible road rager. This is not something I’m proud about and I do work on, but there is an element to driving – probably the stress of needing to get somewhere by a certain time – that puts me on the edge. If I don’t have a deadline or whatever, the road rage issue is greatly diminished.

Anyhow, this is all a long-winded way of saying that my favorite curse word (phrase) is “You ass hat.” (That’s a relatively new one for me, but I quite enjoy saying it.)

What sound or noise do you love?

The sound of someone putting a check for $50 million in my hand. I simply cannot hear that sound enough.

(Note to anyone who has an extra $50 million and would like to help me live the dream of finally hearing that one sound I love: Find me. It's not that hard to do...)

What sound or noise do you hate?

Alarms from clocks or cars. The clocks version is worse because it means I have to wake up earlier than nature intended me to. The car version is just annoying.

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Professional basketball. Now, I don’t necessarily have the height for it – I measure at a very average 5’10” – but I’m tenacious, like a wildcat or mongoose or A Flock of Seagulls (the band, not a bunch of birds… naturally). I would own the court, I tell you!

What profession would you not like to do?

Besides the one I currently have? Eh, probably Accounting. I'm much too creative and out-there for something like that.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

“Good job, dude. You made it!”

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Woolly Bully 2: Even Woollier, Even Bullier

So I flipped my calendar to the current month -- "February" for everyone keeping score at home... -- today and noticed something that I felt needed to be shared with the loyal Ducks readers. I have no idea if you are aware of this or not, but February has a day dedicated to stop bullying. 2/12 is "National Stop Bullying Day."

2/12 is also a Saturday.

Um, don’t most instances of bullying happen at school? Aren't most schools closed on Saturdays? Do you think they maybe could have picked a different day?

Now, the fact they chose a non-school day for "National Stop Bullying Day" is only part of my gripe. (Yes, I have a lot of gripes. Yes, I'm kind of a brat.) I'd also like to know why they decided that only one day was necessary for this cause. Bullying is (seriously) a big deal, especially in this day and age of cyber-bullying and videos of girls beating each other up and whatnot. So why only devote a single day to such an important issue?

My current train of thought is that the group behind this day is a bunch of bullies. (Cue scene...)

Bully Association President: "Guys, it has come to my attention that we are getting a lot of bad publicity for being bullies. So what can we do about this?"
Random Bully #1: "Let's beat some weaklings up!"
RB #2: "Yeah!"
BAP: "No, no. That won't help the cause at all. We need to take the spotlight away from us, but how can we do this?"
RB #3: "How about a press release?"
BAP: "Press release, huh? That ain't bad. Anyone know how to write?"
*complete silence*
BAP: "So, I guess that's a 'no' on the press release. Any other ideas?"
RB #2: "Uh, what if we have a 'stop bullying day' or something like that?"
RB #1: "But we rather enjoy bullying people!"
RB #2: "Just hear me out a sec. There are 365 days in the year. We can lay the bullying to rest for one of them. That still gives us a good 364 days to collect lunch money from nerds, give swirlies to dorks and get home in time for ballet practice."
RB #4: "Ballet practice?"
RB #2: "I mean, bully practice." *nervously glances around*
BAP: "I think he's onto something here. So what day of the week works best for all of you bullies?" (The bullies all pull out their organizers and Blackberries taken from weaker individuals.)
RB #3: "Well, I'm pretty much booked solid from Monday through Friday throughout the school year."
RB #4: "Yeah, me, too. But I could probably squeeze something in during the weekend, you know, when school's out."
RB #1: "Having it when there isn't any school would really make things a lot easier for me, too." (Lots of bully heads nod in agreement.)
BAP: "Okay, so it's settled then. We'll try to deflect all of our attention by promoting the National Stop Bullying Day, but then it picks right back up the following day. Sound like a plan?"
All Random Bullies (in unison): "Yeah."
BAP: "Alright, meeting adjourned. Now let's go stuff some dweebs in lockers, followed by a spot of tea and crumpets under the bleachers."

Bully Association President: William Zabka*
Random Bully #1: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Random Bully #2: Walter Mondale
Random Bully #3: Justin Bieber
Random Bully #4: Octomom

* Bad guy from the 80's classics Karate Kid and Back to School.

Anyhow, there is one day, a non-school day, devoted to stopping bullying. Couldn't they have made this a month-long movement? Or, better yet, how about a year-round initiative? Sure, having one day is a way to start, but it seems like they really aimed low on this one. (Unless, of course, it was started by bullies, in which case this seems just about right.)

Unrelated to today’s topic: I was recently given a blogging award, but will address that in my next post… which should be a fun one for all of you!