Thursday, June 13, 2013

Nobody Ever Buys Me Pillows with My Face on Them

All winter long—and Michigan winters are roughly 11 ½ months of the year—I have been waiting for summer. Now that this glorious time of year is upon us, when the hell is it going to get cold again? Seriously, the muggy weather is going to kill me. Literally.” – Some famous, highly-intelligent, and probably very good-looking anonymous man (or woman) (but definitely a man)

That right there, folks, is the reason that sometimes procrastination is the best policy. I wrote it yesterday for this little blog of mine, but then I wound up putting it off for other things and never got back to it. Well, today was freaking beautiful. We had some rain overnight that cleared out the mugginess and saved my life. Literally.

Okay, so now where was I? Oh yeah, the new Ducks feature: What I Learned from the Internet Today

Paris Hilton owns pillows with a picture of her face on them. (I’ll give you a moment to make sure that you read that correctly.)

(Yep, you read that correctly.)

You can check out the rather surreal “pillows picture” via this link. (Feel free to read the article if you are so inclined, but the pic is really the icing on the cake if you ask me.)

I can’t imagine—and I am rather imaginative—how weird it would feel to have pillows with pictures of my face on them. But I suppose that I am ignoring the obvious practicality: theft prevention. Who would steal pillows—a common problem facing our nation, sadly—with my face on them? And even if someone did, it would be easy to prove they are mine.

“Your honor, my defendant is clearly innocent.” [Jerkface lawyer for sleazeball pillow thief]

“Objection! He clearly has my client’s pillows.” [My awesome attorney, which is probably me representing myself]

(Judge looks at pillows—hereto referred to as “Exhibits A-Q.”)

“Yep, those are you. I hereby sentence the pillow-thieving Justin Beiber to life in prison and $350,753 in restitution. Good day, sir.” [Judge Judy]

“Thank you, Judy-licious.” [me]

“Baby, baby, baby.” [The Beibs]

Yeah, I’d better get some pillows with my face on them soon.

Sunday, June 9, 2013


Welcome to the triumphant return of Ducks Out Of A Row! 

(If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to hear 7 billion people rejoicing at once, there you go.)

Realizing how rapidly our world is heading down the tubes since my last post—more on this in a moment—I decided it is necessary to come in with those EMT paddles and resuscitate my little corner of the Internet. A couple of mighty electric shocks to the chest later and here we are. TGFOC! (Thank God for ObamaCare.)

So how, exactly, does one realize that the world is heading down the tubes? Easy… drop-crotch pants.

I truly wish that I could say otherwise, but drop-crotch pants are unfortunately a real thing, and are exactly what they sound as though they would be: pants with the crotch dropped. 

Now, I once vowed that I would refrain from making more Justin Beiber jokes, but I never said anything about giving the Beibs a chance to make the joke for himself. As such, here is an example of drop-crotch pants:

The kid is apparently a huge fan of them. So, um, he’s got that going for him, right?

I thought that skinny jeans were pretty terrifying. They are not particularly flattering and I’ve seen very few people—and I am under-utilizing the word “very” in this instance—who can actually pull them off and look decent. (Note: I’m saying “decent” and not “fabulous” or “attractive” or “sane.”) But drop-crotch takes the awfulness to another level… an HNL, if you will. (That’s for all the MadTV fans out there who also happen to be Ducks Out Of A Row fans, of which I’m sure there are plenty.) (If you are not a fan, the 3:00 mark of the linked video explains "HNL.")

There were no crotch drop pants at the time of my previous post (probably around 20 years ago now*). But then I began my well-deserved blogging sabbatical and apparently all hell broke loose. Using my tremendous powers of deduction, I put one and one together and realized that if I wanted to live in a drop-crotch pants-free world—and who, besides The Beibs, wouldn’t?—I need to bring my blog back (much like Justin Timberlake saving us all from the sexy-less world prior to 2006, when he brought sexy back).

Well, I’ve decided that I am not going to sit idly and watch my society be decimated by such travesties as skinny jeans and drop-crotch pants. Nope, not on my watch. And this means the return of the Ducks.

* Nowhere close to 20 years.