Thursday, June 13, 2013

Nobody Ever Buys Me Pillows with My Face on Them

All winter long—and Michigan winters are roughly 11 ½ months of the year—I have been waiting for summer. Now that this glorious time of year is upon us, when the hell is it going to get cold again? Seriously, the muggy weather is going to kill me. Literally.” – Some famous, highly-intelligent, and probably very good-looking anonymous man (or woman) (but definitely a man)

That right there, folks, is the reason that sometimes procrastination is the best policy. I wrote it yesterday for this little blog of mine, but then I wound up putting it off for other things and never got back to it. Well, today was freaking beautiful. We had some rain overnight that cleared out the mugginess and saved my life. Literally.

Okay, so now where was I? Oh yeah, the new Ducks feature: What I Learned from the Internet Today

Paris Hilton owns pillows with a picture of her face on them. (I’ll give you a moment to make sure that you read that correctly.)

(Yep, you read that correctly.)

You can check out the rather surreal “pillows picture” via this link. (Feel free to read the article if you are so inclined, but the pic is really the icing on the cake if you ask me.)

I can’t imagine—and I am rather imaginative—how weird it would feel to have pillows with pictures of my face on them. But I suppose that I am ignoring the obvious practicality: theft prevention. Who would steal pillows—a common problem facing our nation, sadly—with my face on them? And even if someone did, it would be easy to prove they are mine.

“Your honor, my defendant is clearly innocent.” [Jerkface lawyer for sleazeball pillow thief]

“Objection! He clearly has my client’s pillows.” [My awesome attorney, which is probably me representing myself]

(Judge looks at pillows—hereto referred to as “Exhibits A-Q.”)

“Yep, those are you. I hereby sentence the pillow-thieving Justin Beiber to life in prison and $350,753 in restitution. Good day, sir.” [Judge Judy]

“Thank you, Judy-licious.” [me]

“Baby, baby, baby.” [The Beibs]

Yeah, I’d better get some pillows with my face on them soon.

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  5. What if the thief drew a mustache on the pillow. Do you still think it would hold up in court?

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