Saturday, February 13, 2010

The greatest thing since Ducks...

If I could take credit for only one thing in this world, it would be inventing sliced bread. For some reason or other, sliced bread is still the mark of greatness in this world.

You know how pissed I would be if I was a great inventor like, for example, Thomas Edison?

Thomas Edison: Hey, Bill!

Bill: Yeah, what's up Tommy?

T.E.: Guess what I invented?

Bill: What's that?

T.E.: I've invented artificial light. This glass bulb will create light long after the sun has set. Now humanity will be able to increase productivity, be safe from all those candle-related fires that happen all over the place, and finally have a symbol that represents an idea in someone's head, especially in cartoons.

Bill: A symbol for when someone has a new idea? I don't see it, man.

T.E.: Just trust me on that. Anyhow, isn't this the greatest invention ever?

Bill: Well, I don't know about "ever." It's definitely the greatest thing since sliced bread, though.

T.E.: Sliced bread? Are you serious? This is artificial light here. I'm practically making the sun obsolete.

The sun: Hey now! I'm quite sure I'll still be at least somewhat relevant!

T.E.: We'll see about that. [turns back to Bill] Anyhow, sliced bread? Really?

Bill: It does seem like a nifty little gadget you got there, but sliced bread is soooo easy to eat. I mean, it saves me literally hours every day not to slice it by myself.

T.E.: But this is The Eff'ing Light bulb, dude. This thing will revolutionize the world.

Bill: I'm not saying it's nothing novel. Heck, it could be a great little fad, but I just don't see it catching on in the long term the way sliced bread has, you know?

T.E.: Well, I suppose I'm fine with the greatest thing since sliced bread.

[enter Billy Mays]

Billy Mays: How many hours a day do you waste cleaning stuff?

Both guys: Millions!

Billy Mays: Well, what you need is a dishrag-thingy which is super convenient and sure to change your lives.

Bill: Tell me more!

Billy Mays: You need a Sham-Wow.

Bill: THAT is the greatest thing since sliced bread!

End scene.

Yep. If I could lay claim to any one thing in human history, it'd definitely be inventing the pinnacle of human achievement -- sliced bread.


  1. And all the slices are the same width. When I buy a loaf that I carve myself, they look like doorstops and I can't get them into the toaster. And then they takes ages to chew. So thank Goooodness for sliced bread! lol

  2. Bwa hahahahahahaha! Clicked over from your other post and this is HILARIOUS. Why IS sliced bread the thing that all other great things are compared to?


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