Monday, November 8, 2010

Let's Get Political... Political. I Wanna Get Political...

Don't let the (extremely clever) title of today's post scare you away! This has nothing to do with Democrat/Republican/Whig/Green Party/Vulcan Party/Christmas Party/West Coast Party ('Cuz a West Coast Party don't stop!) bickering or differences or what have you.

This will be a very non-partisan post. (C'mon, you have to know how we do things here at the Ducks...)

If you don't know by now, my modus operandi is "Be a good person first and foremost and believe what you want to believe. I won't judge you for it. I'll keep trying to be a good person myself, so please don't judge me for my beliefs."

Anyhow, today let’s get political… political. I wanna get political… Let’s get into political.

(Yes, I had to Google search for the lyrics to Olivia Newton John’s “Physical.”)

(Yes, I’m a dork.)

For those who aren't already in the know – this would be most people from states not (currently) named "Michigan" -- we elected a new governator here in the Mitten State. (If you are confused, take a quick look at a map of the U.S. The lower peninsula of MI looks like a mitten.)

Well, Governator-elect Snyder said that it is time to "reinvent Michigan" in his "I just won the election, all the rest of you are losers" speech. Being a better judge of talent than Simon Cowell, I realized that the man is onto something. So let's roll with it...

First off, let's rename the state.

"Michigan" is okay and all, but we are reinventing here and there is no sense in doing it half-assed. I think we should put together a committee to look at naming rights. Sports stadiums and halftime shows and even families are receiving corporate sponsorship nowadays, so why not states? (Uh, don't answer that.)

Michigan's economy has certainly -- um, let's be diplomatic -- not kept pace with the rest of the union. (Read that as "I'm pretty sure we have the worst or second-worst economy in the nation.") But once upon a time, this state brought forth The Big Three and Kellogg's and Amway. There is a veritable wealth of industrial history on which the state can capitalize!

Let's see... We'll need something catchy and Michigan-born. Hmmm. Ford made/makes a car called the "Fiesta." Fiestas are fun. A state with tremendous unemployment could use more fun. We are now Fiesta. Mission accomplished!

Since we are reinventing things, my next proposal/reinvention/mandate is a new, new governator. If we're doing this, we should evaluate potential candidates... Madonna was born in Detroit, so she seems like a viable candidate. But I'm pretty sure she's taken to talking with a faux-British accent and we can't have that! I mean, we got rid of those red-coats back in the late 1900's. (Note: I have no qualms about any Brits, present or past. I'm just trying to be historically accurate here.)

Alright, Madonna is a no-go and...

Wait, what's that you say? What about me? Li’l ol' me? Well, I certainly would never have considered something like this on my own, but yes! Yes, I will be the next Governator of Fiesta.

(Note: I truly cannot believe how ridiculous this is already getting... and I still have a couple more points to go.)

As the new Governator -- yes, I officially love, and claim, that word now that Arnie is out of office -- I think it is best for me to alleviate a lot of hostility and conflict amongst my people. I've already considered going up to President Obama – or any other important figure, like Cher -- and saying "Let my people go," but I don't feel as though that will completely help ease the pain and suffering that all these years of conflict have brought upon the people of the state-formerly-called-Michigan.

So this is what I'm going to do: I am officially combining Michigan State University with the University of Michigan. Fans from these schools have given each other a hard time for too long now and it is time to say "enough is enough." I am the man who can do that and, thus, I will be establishing MSUTUOM.

Go MSUTUOM Spartan Wolverines!! (The mascot will be a wolverine wearing the helmet and armor that Sparty had previously worn. Also, he'll drive a monster truck.)

(Note: I swear on my life that I am not on drugs. I didn't even drink caffeine this morning... not that I usually do, anyhow, but we certainly can't blame this on that.)

("So he's just weird?")

(I prefer "creative," but whatever works for you.)

Point #4 of "My 1000 Points of Light" -- I came up with that by myself -- is that we need a new state song. I'm sure that whatever one we currently have is fine and dandy, but "fine and dandy" isn't going to cut it for a state that is currently going into overdrive to reinvent itself! We need something new... something fresh... something by Justin Beiber. (You had to see that coming…)

Admittedly, I'm a little conflicted at this point. I mean, does it make more sense to use one of his existing songs, or should we commission him to come up with something new?

You know what? You are absolutely right; I should write a song for him to record. As the new Governator-elect, it is a high-priority item and I should be the person to tackle it. The buck does stop here -- another J. Neeb original saying -- after all.

Note to J. Beib: Your performing and my song-writing is bound to be the best combination since Michigan State University and the University of Michigan became one school. J. Beib and J. Neeb are going to rock it. As the newest Governator in the union, you have my word that the song will be phenomenal. And, as we both know, politicians don't lie.

Wow, this "being the leader of the soon-to-be-largest-state-by-virtue-of-area" is really tough stuff. I kind of need a nap... but my loyal servants need more from their leader than that! I am not going to let them down.

(Mostly because I'll be jacking taxes waaaaaay up so I can buy lots of things I don't need, like a pillbox hat.)

"Did he just say 'soon-to-be-largest-state-be-virtue-of-area’?”

Ah, good catch. I'm going to merge the state with Canada. It really makes sense because we are both so close in proximity and whatnot.

Note to Canadians: If I wasn't a fan of you guys and your fine nation, I wouldn't want to merge, so please take this as the compliment it is meant to be. Besides, think about how much fun you'll have in our new state of Fiesta!

Given that I'm only a couple of hours into my governatorship, I think that is good enough for now. But I can imagine what you are thinking at this point and I have to agree... Yes, I would make the single best Presidentnator ever! (Time to start rallying the troops.) Let's work to make this happen. (Uh, in 2016. If I remember correctly, the minimum age to be president is 35. I'm 32 right now, so -- unfortunately for pretty much everyone -- the '014 election is out of the question.)

God bless the state of Fiesta! Thank you, all my loyal peeps! Peace.

Editor's note: I don't even know where to begin with my comments on this one... *heavy sigh*


  1. Did you put crack in your oatmeal this morning? Just askin'!

  2. Hilarious. sorry, my bad spelling.

  3. You've obviously put a lot of thought into this, and that alone earns you my nomination for "governator" since there are very few politicians who actually think about what they're saying. If you win, I'll move to Fiesta :-)

  4. Fiesta sounded like my kind of place - untill you raised taxes. Spoil sport . .

    Dude, you got my vote however, just as soon as I register.


  5. "historically accurate." Love it. Getting a Senator Alvin Green feel though. That said, the man did win, bat shit crazy and all. Oh wait, I think he may have been "touched in the head." So I guess that was a far cry from a compliment.

  6. When Madonna gets into any kind of office I'm more than convinced the riders of apocalypse would appear as well ... And the age of Lucifer's reign would begin :)

  7. Lambchop: Always.

    Lydia: No need to apologize for the spelling. My new state of Fiesta is going to need a Surgeon General and I'd gladly accept your resume.

    Wendy: You can head up my Joint Chiefs of Staff. (Trust me... I've given this a lot of thought.)

    Donna: Clearly, you would be a great economic advisor. You can have a spot in my State Cabinet, too. (Probable interaction dramatically scripted out below!)

    Scene: The Fiesta Oval Office. The dashing Governator is sitting at his desk, wearing a very chic pillbox hat.

    (Enter Chief Economic Advisor Donna.)

    Donna: Uh, Governator, I don't think we should be raising taxes so you can buy more pillbox hats.

    Governator: Wait. You mean to say that people don't like giving up their hard-earned money so I can a modern Jackie O.? Really? Dang.


  8. Dorn: You can be my Official History Advisor and Vice Governator. (But only if you want to be!)

    Dez: Fiesta is most interested in hiring a highly-knowledgeable Hollywood Spy. Do you know anyone who fits the bill? (If so, you might want to say "the black bird flies in the midnight skies" to the second man you see wearing a top hat in Belgrade. He'll be expecting you.)

  9. Um... I'm not sure I know where to start!

    Firstly, Mitten State? haha! I've never heard that one.

    Secondly, I suggest we combine Windsor and Detroit on their own and form a principate apart from the US and Canada. Why not?

  10. Talli - You are now my new Minister of Foreign Relations. I fully commission you to make the Detroit-Windsor Independent Principate a done deal.

  11. So, I guess I'm moving to Michigan, I mean Fiesta.

  12. Oh. Okay. I was laughing pretty hard till you got to the part about approaching Obama or maybe CHER. Then, I lost it.

    Oh, you crazy mitten-people and your desire to merge with Canada. So, what? They'd be the Parka-arm to your mitten??

  13. As spartans are gay would the combining of them and u of m mean an asexual wolverine of some sort?

  14. I'm just glad that you had to look up the lyrics for Physical and didn't know them off by heart….Otherwise I would never have voted for you….Although to be frank my vote probably won’t count as I’m English and thus disqualified from American politics because of my world knowledge (Please note world extends beyond the boarders of both the Mitten state and the boarders of the US….)

  15. Missed Periods - We'd love to have you aboard. If you are looking for a cabinet position, I'm thinking you could be our new Education Czar.

    Kathryn - "Crazy Mitten People?" Why the need to be so formal? Just call us "You people from the new greatest state there ever was and probably ever will be."

    Anon - Well, I don't know if they'd be asexual. I guess I'm thinking more they would just be gay wolverines. Fabulous, gay wolverines wearing Greek warrior garb. (Pink-colored, natch.)

    BlackLOG - International politics will be the focus of the next post... when I feel up to posting, which I don't particularly do right now. (Everyone is entitled to feel a little down every now and then, right?)


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