Wednesday, September 1, 2010

You wouldn't like Noah Webster when he's angry...

Noah Webster must be pissed

We'll get to Mr. Webster's current source of anger in a bit, but first I need to offer a sincere apology to Katy Perry (who I'm sure is an avid Ducks Out Of A Row reader).

*clears throat*

Katy, I apologize for the incorrect spelling of "California Gurls" -- your infectious song which has apparently become "my jam" -- in the previous Ducks post. Admittedly, I had never seen the title actually spelled until last night, at which point I realized that I completely dropped the ball. So, uh, my bad and stuff.

Of course, Ms. Perry should probably apologize to Noah Webster. (Or "N-dub" as all the hip kids refer to him. He has a lot of street cred and gets mad love from his fellow ballas and shot callas. He rides with 20" rims on his Impalas. Word.)

(For those who are totally lost -- which could very well be everyone except me -- the "ballas, shot callas, Impalas" bit is from some late 90's rap song. It used to be my jam.)

Anyhow, K-dub -- as all the hip kids are calling her -- should have consulted Webster's dictionary before turning in the song title. I'm thinking that maybe her record label needs to hire people who can spell basic English words (although, they did nail the should-be-trickier "California"...).

Or maybe they should invest in some WhiteOut and go store-to-store and fix all the CD's and cassette tapes and LP's. (Admittedly, I'm not sure what they could do for the digital versions. Maybe wipe out everyone's hard drive and then install a version of the song with correct spelling?)

That leads to this:

Scene: Man at computer, wearing khaki pants, a white Oxford button down shirt and a purple paisley tie.

"Honey, what happened to all of my files? The only thing I can seem to find on here is Katy Perry's "California Girls." And wasn't this spelled differently before?" *starts playing the song* "This is a great jam, though. Who needs all that tax information, anyway?" *starts busting a move*

You know who else should apologize to Webster? ABC. (The network, not the English New Wave band.) Do you want to know why? (Please say "yes." Please say "yes.") Because they are clearly not using N-dub's greatest -- only? -- contribution to modern society. If they were, they could open up to the "S" section and find the definition for "star."

("Where is he going with this?")

Dancing With the Stars in on the ABC network. They have recently released the list of "stars" for the upcoming season. Do you want to know who, apparently, is a star? Bristol Palin.

Say what?

She got freaky with Levi and had a kid. How does that qualify someone as being a star? I'm so confused.

Now, I don't mean to dis on Bristol. She's probably a good kid and all, but "star?" Really?

I think I'm going to start referring to myself as a star. I mean, the word has clearly been devalued to the point where I might as well.

"Nice to meet you. I'm John -- blogging star extraordinaire."

(Note: My calling myself a "star" does not mean I had sex with Levi Johnston and then gave birth to our love child. Let's just cut off that rumor before it even starts.)


  1. "We're all STARS now in the dope show."

    I thought everyone was spelling it GURLS now.. isn't that the way the cool 'in crowd' does things?

    Hearing the ballas songs is from the late 90's makes ME feel old :(

    Don't you know it's always best to not point out how old your readers are? :)

  2. I can't believe you had sex with Levi Johnston and bore his love child! I am telling everyone!

  3. Oh, you do crack me up. And since I have a few more followers than you, I guess that makes me a "mega-star" or an "uber-star" ;-)

  4. She's going to be on dancing with the stars? You're right, we should all be able to claim that title now :)

  5. I do believe we may need to use the word "star" loosely from now on. At least, when it comes to that show. For US, we'll we known as the UBERSTARS...or something equally magnificent.

    I can't help but wonder how the actual bona fide stars who've actually worked hard at their craft feel about all of this hype. Kind of de-values the word, don't you think? As far as spelling goes, don't even get me started. It's like they ran out of the properly-spelled names, so they're just winging it.

  6. Yeah, I think Noah Webster would have a heart attack with the surge in misspellings. I even heard that some states are now letting kids use SpellCheck on tests in school. What is up with that?

    Oh, and John, I present to you the Versatile Blogger Award over at my blog. Congratulations!

  7. Purple Paisley Tie really? Busting a move in khakis is ill advisable regardless of neck wear. I was trying to come up with an equivalent to Bristol that we'd agree was a star and its just not happening. Even Chelsea was the 1st daughter and her "fame" doesn't qualify her as a star. Khloe Kardashian maybe? But still has her own reality show. Whatevs

  8. *snarf* Ahahaha... This made me laugh.

  9. Does that Monica Leweski (can't spell, I know) chick ring a bell? Doesn't take much to become a star now-days.

    The problem is, that 15 minutes of fame is about all it lasts. Unless its negative publicity. Then it never stops.

    Sad but true. Now, you having sex with Levi and bearing a love child might get you more than 15 minutes, 17 perhaps. :)

    Hey, you're already a super star in my book John. To prove it, I have an award for you at my blog.



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