Friday, October 22, 2010

Rhinos and Spare Change

As you all surely remember from my breaking news regarding Justin Bieber's pregnancy, I love seeing what kind of topics people happen to be looking for on the Internet. Last week, I noticed that "50 Cent Rhino" was a trending topic and felt that this must be addressed.

Clearly, there were two ways of interpreting this search. One: Someone is selling rhinoceroses at deeply discounted prices. (I blame The Great Recession.) OR Two: Rapper 50 Cent is looking to buy a rhinoceros. (How gansta is that?!? "Yeah, yeah. You come around here; I'll strike you with fear. Don't mess with my crew, or my rhino will shoot you. Wut, wut.")

Note to 50 Cent: Please don't steal my lyrics. They are under a completely legal and totally verifiable copyright -- as far as anyone knows -- and you can't use them... unless you pay me great sums of money. Yes, I'm willing to sell out. Think about how you'd be the first rapper to mention having his rhino bust a cap in some fool. Consider the possibilities and have your peeps get with my peeps and we can be peeps, as the late Notorious B.I.G. once kind of said. (Uh, I hope you weren't one of those guys who had a problem with Biggie. I don't know who was hating who and shooting each other because of where they happened to live and really important differences like that.)

Note to my loyal readers: I am nothing, if not an expert on what is "gansta." But I'm sure you've probably been able to figure that out for yourselves.

So I did some fact checking (for a change...). Apparently there is an organization -- eBlockwatch -- devoted to raising awareness over rhinoceros poaching. (Well, it is quite possible they are devoted to other things, as well.)

I have to admit that I love the fact that the name of the group is "eBlockwatch" and they are defending rhinos. I mean, how many rhinos are there on a typical block? Now, I live in the boring Midwest, so perhaps they are quite common in larger, more metropolitan areas.

Maybe they are fashionable pets for the social elite in Hollywood? (I believe Paris Hilton has a miniature one she dresses in pink and carries in her purse.) I read an article that centered on the fact that the auto industry is running into an issue that the younger generation is not seeing cars as much as status symbols as previous ones had. Perhaps these young punks are now displaying social superiority by how many rhinos they have?

Who knows? All I'm saying is that the name "eBlockwatch" makes me think of something similar to a local neighborhood watch. But I digress...

eBlockwatch has found a rhinoceros that had been shot nine times and is still standing. This is quite similar to our beloved 50 Cent. He was capped nine times and is still standing. (I believe that exhausts the list of "Things 50 Cent Might Have in Common with a Rhino," unless the rhino is a multiplatinum rapper who parties like it's yo' birfday. If that does happen to be the case, they are practically twins. Think Schwartzenegger and Devito in the classic '80's movie.)

As such, the group wants Fiddy (as his birth certificate reads…) to adopt this rhino.

Now, as has been previously established, I’m not one to tell someone to do something or how to go about living his life. In this instance, though, I’m breaking my own rule. (I tend to be rather rebellious to myself.) 50 Cent, just adopt the gansta rhinoceros, let him pack some heat, and then rap about it.

Do it for the rhino… Do it for your fans.... Do it for those who barely have any cents.

Just don’t forget my big royalty check!


  1. Sacagawea will be producing their collaboration on a new record.

  2. That was fun, and interesting. My neighborhood is sadly lacking rhinos, but overflowing in gangsta's.

    Loved the movie Twins. Who'da thunk the two fit so well together.

    Peace Dude.


  3. They have plenty in common. The Rhino also hasn't had a hit record in the last 4 years.

    One notable difference, though: The rhinos tweets are insightful and hilarious.


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