Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Woolly Bully 2: Even Woollier, Even Bullier

So I flipped my calendar to the current month -- "February" for everyone keeping score at home... -- today and noticed something that I felt needed to be shared with the loyal Ducks readers. I have no idea if you are aware of this or not, but February has a day dedicated to stop bullying. 2/12 is "National Stop Bullying Day."

2/12 is also a Saturday.

Um, don’t most instances of bullying happen at school? Aren't most schools closed on Saturdays? Do you think they maybe could have picked a different day?

Now, the fact they chose a non-school day for "National Stop Bullying Day" is only part of my gripe. (Yes, I have a lot of gripes. Yes, I'm kind of a brat.) I'd also like to know why they decided that only one day was necessary for this cause. Bullying is (seriously) a big deal, especially in this day and age of cyber-bullying and videos of girls beating each other up and whatnot. So why only devote a single day to such an important issue?

My current train of thought is that the group behind this day is a bunch of bullies. (Cue scene...)

Bully Association President: "Guys, it has come to my attention that we are getting a lot of bad publicity for being bullies. So what can we do about this?"
Random Bully #1: "Let's beat some weaklings up!"
RB #2: "Yeah!"
BAP: "No, no. That won't help the cause at all. We need to take the spotlight away from us, but how can we do this?"
RB #3: "How about a press release?"
BAP: "Press release, huh? That ain't bad. Anyone know how to write?"
*complete silence*
BAP: "So, I guess that's a 'no' on the press release. Any other ideas?"
RB #2: "Uh, what if we have a 'stop bullying day' or something like that?"
RB #1: "But we rather enjoy bullying people!"
RB #2: "Just hear me out a sec. There are 365 days in the year. We can lay the bullying to rest for one of them. That still gives us a good 364 days to collect lunch money from nerds, give swirlies to dorks and get home in time for ballet practice."
RB #4: "Ballet practice?"
RB #2: "I mean, bully practice." *nervously glances around*
BAP: "I think he's onto something here. So what day of the week works best for all of you bullies?" (The bullies all pull out their organizers and Blackberries taken from weaker individuals.)
RB #3: "Well, I'm pretty much booked solid from Monday through Friday throughout the school year."
RB #4: "Yeah, me, too. But I could probably squeeze something in during the weekend, you know, when school's out."
RB #1: "Having it when there isn't any school would really make things a lot easier for me, too." (Lots of bully heads nod in agreement.)
BAP: "Okay, so it's settled then. We'll try to deflect all of our attention by promoting the National Stop Bullying Day, but then it picks right back up the following day. Sound like a plan?"
All Random Bullies (in unison): "Yeah."
BAP: "Alright, meeting adjourned. Now let's go stuff some dweebs in lockers, followed by a spot of tea and crumpets under the bleachers."

Bully Association President: William Zabka*
Random Bully #1: Jennifer Love Hewitt
Random Bully #2: Walter Mondale
Random Bully #3: Justin Bieber
Random Bully #4: Octomom

* Bad guy from the 80's classics Karate Kid and Back to School.

Anyhow, there is one day, a non-school day, devoted to stopping bullying. Couldn't they have made this a month-long movement? Or, better yet, how about a year-round initiative? Sure, having one day is a way to start, but it seems like they really aimed low on this one. (Unless, of course, it was started by bullies, in which case this seems just about right.)

Unrelated to today’s topic: I was recently given a blogging award, but will address that in my next post… which should be a fun one for all of you!


  1. You are definitely flippant and I enjoy that. The dialogue is accurate for bullies.
    As a teacher one year I had problems in my 3rd grade class. Regretfully I could not stop the bulling. I tried; Peer involment, Principal Involment, Called Parents, Detentiion, and Suspension. Perhaps the problem was the U.S. postal worker parent . . . hmmm postal.

  2. Every day should be a day to be reminded that bullying is just horrible.

    Your cast totally made me laugh, btw!

  3. Oh my goodness. I love your dialogues. :D I have written dialogues like this, just not in relation to bullying.

  4. You always crack me up.
    I agree, they aimed low. Really, really low...

  5. What's your beef with Jennifer Love Hewitt? I've met her a couple times when she travels down to Austin heading home and she's really down to Earth (especially considering she has to deal with the likes of me when she rents a car - the whole president of a company thing and what not. Our company insists on having a manager do a meet and greet every time).

  6. Dorn - No beef with JLH. I was only trying to think of one of the most un-bully-like people I could come up with off the top of my head. (Initially, I had Ghandi slated for the role...) She seems like she'd be super nice in real life, so I thought it'd be funny to picture her as a bully.

  7. I imagine that the Bully Club, having appropriately celebrated the weekend "anti-bullying" day, will retire to a member's house to have snacks, recall the day's bullying triumphs and celebrate said triumphs with a viewing of the seminal bully film, "A Clockwork Orange".

    As an army brat growing up I changed schools more times than I can count. Being the eternal "new kid" I was bullied relentlessly. Oddly, this experience led me in later life to pursue one of the few professions where bullies thrive and bullying is considered a pre-requisite for success: professional chef. I'm a rarity in my profession, though. I don't bully my employees, which really confuses some of them.

    All those bullies you knew as kids? They've grown up and become chefs. Every time I eat out I wonder which unfortunate bastard in the kitchen is getting a wedgie tonight?

  8. They should. My elementary school was great because we couldn't even get away with teasing each other.

  9. Bullies suck. Saturday or night, it's good to have a day to bully the bullies. :)

  10. so why are you bullying us with this post, if it's a non bullying day? :PPPPPP


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