Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Location, Location, Location

I have an important declaration today. This will directly affect all my 6,664,195 Washington readers and my 1,545,801 Idaho readers, but everyone really needs to know about this!

I find it interesting -- but not surprising -- that all of these West Coast peeps swing by on a daily basis, even though those numbers surely include: children who can't read just yet, those without Internet access and blind people. Although, I've been told that Ducks Out Of A Row is huge with the blind population.

Anyhow, all you Washingtonians and Idahoans are about to experience a simpler life. You can thank me later.

In true Ducks Out Of A Row fashion, a little back-story...

Someone who is very close to me -- may or may not be the lovely wife -- is originally from out west. She -- assuming this person is a female -- grew up on, or close to, the border of Washington and Idaho. She went to colleges in both states, held jobs in both states and even lived in, you guessed it, both states.

I'm not the smartest man in the world. (Stunned, right? No? Eh, I guess that's to be expected...) Sometimes it is difficult for me to keep track of where she was living or working or educating when she tells me stories about the not-as-wild-as-advertised West. It can be rather confusing and results in a lot of this:

Unnamed female: "So when I was working at [name withheld to protect the innocent]..."
Me: "That was in Idaho, right?"
UF: "No, Washington. When I was working there, it reminded me a time when I went to [name withheld for the heck of it] College..."
Me: "So that was in Washington?"
UF: "No, Idaho. Do you ever listen?"
Me: "What?"

Unrelated side note: I've heard this before, but it's a great point... Why do the innocents need to be protected? They didn't do anything.

Alright, so the moral of the story is that I get all sorts of confused trying to keep up with what school or job was in which state. It's really tough.

I am, if nothing else, a problem-solving kind of dude. I came up with a solution that can make everyone happy. We are simply going to merge the states together and create a new, super state. Unlike superheroes, it will not have any particular powers... unless we define "not confusing the hell out of that one guy from Michigan who writes the weird blog" as a superpower, and I think we really should. (At least, let's talk about it.)

So the two states are now one. (Thank goodness they aren’t “same sex” states!!) But I'm not done, folks. After you create something/combine-two-states-without-technically-having-any-authority-to-do-so (either way…), you generally have to name it. Since Idaington clearly doesn't work, the new state is hereby called Washaho.

Yes, I just named a new state "Washaho." I don't know what the previous coolest name for a state was, but this far exceeds it.

All you Washahoans can now thank me.

You're welcome!


  1. LOL!
    Sometimes I can't even remember where *I* was living when something happened, let alone keep track of where someone else was living. I like your solution!!

  2. Well, it's in accordance with our motto: "Ducks Out Of A Row - Bringing practical solutions to the masses since 2010!"

  3. I can't wait to spread the news to my friends and family in Washaho! I see potential for great silk screened t-shirts in your future. Of course, you might get some flack from the other side who may have prefered to visit Wydaho, Montdaho or Nevadaho.

  4. Speaking of procrastination (well *I* was), I got your wedding announcement and have been meaning to send a 'Congratulations!' card. Seeing as how I procrastinated long enough that we can probably agree it's approaching that so-belated-its-kinda-weird window (i.e. who's this weird guy - is he after money?), I think I'll finally resolve to forego the card entirely, in lieu of posting a high-level overview of the approximate sentiments which would have been conveyed in said card:

    (on front of card)
    [Photo of a hot chick standing next to a bicycle, or maybe a farm animal doing something odd, like sitting on a keyboard]

    (on inside)
    [Witty comment which, with drypan humor, juxtaposes aformentioned obscure photo with a sterotypical marital trial/tribulation, to moderate comedic effect]

    [Expression of commendation printed in sufficiently large font to convey that, all joking aside, congratulatory sentiment is heartfelt and primary motivating factor of card]

    [Barely legible scrawl wishing you and UFWNSTWC (Unnamed Female With Name Synonymous To Weather Condition) best, apologizing for belatedness of letter, general - but genuine - statement that we ought to get together sometime "real soon", etc.]

    [Increasingly illegible scrawl, presumably a complimentary close of communication emphasizing overall sincerity of sentiments expressed therein]

    [Signatory line attributing sentiments of card to primary author, his wife, and (bizarrely if you think about it too much), his 3- and 1 year-old children, the latter of whom has not only never met you, but is thought to be incapable of even cenceptualizing the marital institution, much less the intended message of good tiding being credited to her name]

    [A post-script scrawl asking for money]

    [A post-post-script scrawl confessing humorous intent of immediatly prior scrawl, unless, of course, you happen to have come into some massive inheritence or lottery winnings, in which case, hey, it's your money, but seriously, let's talk about a business venture idea I've been working on]

    Anyway, hope all is well, I have to say that I've read through your blog (found by impulsively googling your relatively unique name and concluding that you were the writer of this blog and not a dentist in Indiana), you've got a great writing talent, and I look forward to forthcoming blog updates.

    Also, we should get together sometime - Traveling with the little ones is a rare occurence, but if you guys are up for some St. Louis summer weather, let me know.

    -Kevin aka Baloo, BK, Wielder of the IFOJ

  5. As of the possible aforementioned wife of this INFP, it is glaringly apparent that Kevin, aka Baloo, BK, Wielder of the IFOJ, is also an INFP. (INFPs are extremely rare!) I suddenly feel the need to experience some St. Louis weather and a nice long chat with Kierstin (sp?)!!

  6. Heh, if you think INFPs are rare, try finding WWTPUW-INFPs (women willing to put up with INFPs), truly the rare gems of life, in my opinion... it's something the 'bro should be darned happy to have pulled off (as am I).

    Anyway, we'd love to have you guys down (btw, you nailed the phonetics of her name, but it is spelled "Kirsten")... We're doing some home renovation work over the next 2-3 weeks, but our calendar should be wide open beyond that.

    Blog ettiquette probably holds that we ought not distract the Duck readership with further non-Washahoian discourse, and I hope to make up for transgressions thus far by pondering where, exactly, the new capital city of Boisympia (Olympoise?) will need to be built. Meanwhile, I'll get an email over to John's account with further contact info... nice to hear from you, Misty!


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