Friday, July 16, 2010

Of Monkeys and Men

You guys probably know by now that I love seeing what topics people are looking up online. A major part of my interest lies in the fact that people only look up things which are real. Clearly, no one is perpetuating rumors, hoaxes or anything along those lines on the Internet. So we can be certain that everything found in Cyberspace is legit.

(This World Wide Web is nothing, if not a place for human responsibility in the face of faceless anonymity... right?)

Recently, I've noticed that China is seeing UFO's, the Taliban is using monkey soldiers and California may need a new state rock. (So everything is pretty much par for the course.)

First things first... Monkeys.

As a guy, monkeys are a subject of great fascination to me. Probably because my gender is closer to the simple-minded simians than the fairer sex happens to be. The humor element of monkeys goes without saying. (Naturally, that means I'm going to say it.) Birthday cards, Clint Eastwood films and America's Funniest Home Videos are always funnier when monkeys are involved. It's a scientific fact. (Pretty sure Einstein proved that in his famous E=MC-squared equation, where E is "Even funnier," M is "Monkeys" and C-squared is "Concepts.")

If something is scientific, you just can't dispute it.

But now those dastardly evil-doers in the Taliban are training our beloved monkeys to shoot coalition forces in a foolproof plan to win The War on Terror (or, as they call it, "The War Against Civility").

Wait a second. This is their plan? Monkeys? Does the Taliban not realize that, even in a down economy, we are a nation of great resources? And, do they further not realize that bananas only cost $0.44/pound? I'm pretty sure we can buy a whole lot of bananas, during healthy economic times or lean.

So I think we've found our "Patriot missiles" to the Taliban's "Scud monkeys."

(For my younger readers, which I'm sure there are probably hundreds of millions, this is a reference to the first Gulf war. Sadaam Hussein had Scud missiles to use, but our Patriot missiles were capable of shooting them down, out of the air. Now get back to sleeping in late and enjoying the summer, you whippersnappers.)

Or what we could do is recruit some of those aliens who are apparently making contact with the Chinese.

Admittedly, I'm not sure who would win in a war of monkeys versus aliens... assuming the aliens do not have access to either bananas, or the money needed to buy them at $0.44/pound.

(Note: That is really not a lot of money. All the aliens would need to do is find some empty soda cans and turn them in. Although, I don't know if they would know this is an option, being aliens and all.)

What I do know, however, is that this totally sounds like the premise for a Michael Bay film. I can just picture the trailer now...

Black screen. Appropriate titles flash in white lettering as they are read.

Voiceover: From the producers of "Jason vs. Freddy" and "Aliens vs. Predators" (the first one, not the second) and "Monsters vs. Aliens" comes a new picture directed by Michael Bay.

Shot of Mars. Aliens are loading up a spaceship with luggage, pets and weapons. They are clearly headed to Earth. Oh, and they look mean and conquering-like.

Voiceover: Earth finds herself under a threat it hasn't seen since "Independence Day" or "War of the Worlds" or "Signs" or "Men in Black," etc.

Shot of jungle.

Voiceover: From within the sacred jungles of Canada, a new brand of hero emerges.

Camera pans in on a monkey, eating a banana. Monkey looks serious.

Music: Twisted Sisters' "We're Not Gonna Take It" fades in.

Various shots of: Monkey b*tch-slapping an alien. Alien b*tch-slapping a monkey. Justin Bieber. And a monkey jumping out of a plane, pulling the parachute string with one hand and wielding a firing M-16 in the other.

Music: Twisted Sisters' "We're Not Gonna Take It" fades out.

Screen goes back to black. "Monkeys vs. Aliens. May 26, 2011"

Voiceover: Don't mess with our monkeys. Or try to invade Earth. Or both.

Quick parting shot of monkey grinning.


Note to Michael Bay: I've got this screenplay all typed up. Just have your people give my people a call and we can do lunch, baby. Ciao.

Alright, the California state rock issue is a little more legit than the, um, completely-legit other subjects du jour. But I feel that it needs to be discussed, so I am discussing it. ("The Official Office of Redundancy and Excessive Explanation" is quite pleased to read that sentence.)

So apparently people are up in arms about the state rock of California. (The rock is "serpentine," for all those keeping score at home.) The reason for the public outcry? It contains asbestos.

Yes, asbestos is not particularly healthy for people. (I suppose that's a bit like saying "bullets are not particularly healthy for people," but let's go with it.) I understand that part of it.

But just because serpentine is the state rock doesn't mean people need to inhale it. I mean, it's more of a symbol than anything, right? If people were forced to rub their faces in the official state rock, then the Ducks' official position would be to abolish that practice. (It doesn't make sense.) Failing that, the Ducks' official back-up position would be to change the state rock.

That isn't the case, though. No one is being forced to face asbestos exposure as a result of serpentine being "the official state rock."

When you get down to it, this really only serves to detract us from larger issues. Like Taliban monkeys, Chinese alien encounters and Michael Bay*.

*Seriously, Mike, have your peeps call mine. "Monkeys vs. Aliens" will be the greatest movie since your last one, which I (probably) loved.

Writer's note: If anyone steals my movie idea, I will be very upset. Unless you give me some of the royalties. Then we'll be cool again.


  1. Monkeys vs. Aliens! I'm so, so there.

  2. Michael Bay - See! We already have an interested market!! (Now, Summer is only one person, but that's better than zero!)

  3. You are one very clever man. If Michael Bay won't pick up the script, he's "bananas" and probably off playing with his monkey parts. Oh, sorry, was I not supposed to go there?

  4. Wendy - You definitely were supposed to go there. :)

  5. How is it possible for us to know so much about the Taliban plans when we can't find anything but rocks and burkas for nearly a decade?

    Besides, the whole Monkey Soldier plan is actually genius. PETA will be over there in a heartbeat to protect them. No matter how much our troops would love to slaughter this particular breed of crazy, not one would be willing to harm the childhood love of their lives...the consummate fantasy woman, Pam Anderson.

    Taliban turning us on ourselves really sound so far fetched, huh huh?

  6. Very funny post.

    I always wondered what that E=MC squared thing was all about.

  7. You can't beat monkeys and aliens!

    LOL - thanks for the laugh.

  8. I would pay some good money to see that movie. Only if you wrote it, of course. Seriously.

    (side note, is there "bad" money? *ponders*)


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