Monday, July 12, 2010

The Various Offices Here at the Ducks

Many people think that Ducks Out Of A Row is a one-man operation. Well, those people severely overestimate my abilities. (Ha!) We are a multi-national conglomerate that is comprised of many offices. [See note at bottom. Sincerely, the Ducks Editing Staff] Today, I'd like to fill you, the loyal readers, in with news and musings from the various offices. Enjoy!

From the office of "We'd Better Produce This Show Before VH1 Does"

Apparently, ABC is taking a bunch of ex-Bachelors and Bachelorettes and cramming them (not literally) into a house, where they can presumably shack up with each other. There is no word yet as to whether Bret Michaels, of "Rock of Love" fame, will be in the house, too.

The question I have to ask, though, is “Aren't all those Bachelors and Bachelorettes married?” Isn't that the point of the show? If they aren't, then why do they keep having the shows? I mean, clearly their process doesn't work.

So why do people even bother watching? It's not like the stakes are all that great. Heck, they might as well call it "The Engagement That Will Only Last for a Couple of Weeks or Maybe Months." (Admittedly, that's not quite as catchy as "The Bachelor," but we'll work on it.)

From the office of "What is Justin Bieber up To This Week?"

Not giving birth, apparently. (Maybe next week??)

From the office of "Best and Premier Office of Redundancy"

So I was watching ESPN the other day and they had a segment that, I believe, was called "Coors Light Cold Hard Facts." Not too much out of the ordinary there. I mean, corporate sponsorship and sports go together like peanut butter and something that goes well with peanut butter.

But what made me take notice was the fact it was announced as such: "Coors Light Cold Hard Facts, brought to you by Coors Light." Didn't anyone script that out ahead of time? Or even the guy saying it must have practiced beforehand, right? So why didn't it occur to anyone how unintelligent that sounds.

My theories: 1) Too much Coors Light drinking leads to too much "Coors Light" saying. 2) The dude gets paid by every word he reads. 3) Too much underestimation with regard to the backlash they would receive from the Ducks!!

Actually, #3 is not theory... it is truth.

From the office of " Headlines That Give Me a Moment of Pause"

"Tiger, red-hot Rose grouped for British Open."

After his well-documented troubles, shouldn't we all be doing our best to keep Tiger away from anyone who is considered to be "hot?" Just sayin...

From the office of "Kids Who Are Too Smart for Their Own Good"

The "Barefoot Bandit" has finally been caught. If you haven't heard about this (or even if you have, I suppose...), there was this kid, Colton Harris-Moore, from the Northwest who has stolen planes, cars and at least one boat. His claim to fame, besides previously eluding capture, is that he allegedly committed his crimes in bare feet.

Harris-Moore apparently managed to fly planes without any training whatsoever. Not that I condone criminal behavior, but that absolutely astounds me. I'm a reasonably bright guy, but learning to fly a plane without instruction? No way. (I did fail my driver's license road test twice before getting it on the third try.) (Well, they didn't tell me that running over old people was against the rules.)

Unfortunately (for him, not others), he wasn't smart enough to realize that he would eventually be caught.

From the office of "Octopi Who Are Too Smart For Their Own Good"

Paul the Oracle Octopus did his species proud and perfectly predicted the outcome for the entire World Cup.

Unfortunately for him, the other octopi will now mock Octopus Paul behind his back and make up pregnancy rumors. (Hey, it all comes with the price of fame.)

Editors’ note: We have absolutely no idea where he got that "multi-national conglomerate" bit from.


  1. ah, J.M. for someone who hates reality shows and Bieber, you are sure quite in touch with the latest updates on them :)))

  2. I think all three of your Coors Light theories are correct.

  3. Ha ha! I hope the different offices are getting well paid for their entertaining posts. Will the Octopi Office retire now that Paul is?

  4. I thought the same thing about the Barefoot Bandit. Seriously, all "student pilots" should hang their head in shame! That said, I'm sure the owner would disagree, those wheels and propeller will never assist an aerial again!

  5. I do believe that we should further discuss the Coors Light debacle over some Coronas poolside.
    You bring the alcohol...I'll bring some key limes.

    We'll get to the bottom of it and then shoot the CEO of Coors an email. We're *like this* with Bill Gates....surely he'll take our email seriously...

  6. bwa haha! We've always thought it would be hilarious for somebody sometime to do "And now the Honda half time report. Brought to you by Coors Light" or something like that, just to see if anyone is paying attention :)

  7. Dez - It's like The Godfather said "keep your enemies closer."

    Alex - You give me too much credit, sir. I merely put up three theories in the hopes that one would be close. If nothing else, I'm a man who plays the odds. :)

    Lydia - Not to fear! The "Octopi Who Are Too Smart for Their Own Good" department will be diligently following Octopus Paul's retirement!!

    Dorn - See, the problem is that the airplane manufacturer's do not specify "Don't ruin the plane" in their instruction manuals. So when you get down to it, THEY are the ones who are really responsible for the planes he ruined.

    Kathryn - Between you, me and Billy Gates, I think we can definitely get to the CEO of Coors. We just need to remember to say the company name with a mind-numbing frequency! :)

    Rebecca - I have to admit that it was actually a half time report that made me realize the redundancy, but I was reminded of it when watching ESPN's SportsCenter, brought to you by ESPN. ;)

  8. Paul the Octopus is brilliant. And Spain played so much cleaner than dirty Netherlands that they deserved the win with or without Paul's prediction.

    (Oh, BTW, did you know I used to live in Spain and love and breathe anything Spanish? So I'm probably kinda biased.)

  9. In the voice of Veruca Salt: I want a Paul the Octopus. I want a Paul the Octopus NOW.

    You know, to predict my future.

  10. Ha ha ha! I love this!

    Can't wait to read more.

    And I agree - bring on Paul!

  11. Wendy - Being an avid follower, of course I know about your love of Spain! To be honest, I'm rather envious of the fact you were able to live there. :)

    M.P. - I read an article this morning that was discussing the worth of Paul the Octopus. They figure he's capable of generating millions of dollars, so you'll certainly need Mr. Salt's money to be able to buy him.

    Talli - Thank you kindly! Fortunately, you don't have to wait long as I just posted something new. (We aim to please here at the Ducks.)

  12. Nice updates but i hate reality shows just passing by via @Talli Roland's blog :)

  13. Wild Rose - Thanks for stopping by! I actually don't care for reality shows, either. (My 7/2 post deals exactly with that.)


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