The Various Offices Here at the Ducks

Many people think that Ducks Out Of A Row is a one-man operation. Well, those people severely overestimate my abilities. (Ha!) We are a multi-national conglomerate that is comprised of many offices. [See note at bottom. Sincerely, the Ducks Editing Staff] Today, I'd like to fill you, the loyal readers, in with news and musings from the various offices. Enjoy!

From the office of "We'd Better Produce This Show Before VH1 Does"

Apparently, ABC is taking a bunch of ex-Bachelors and Bachelorettes and cramming them (not literally) into a house, where they can presumably shack up with each other. There is no word yet as to whether Bret Michaels, of "Rock of Love" fame, will be in the house, too.

The question I have to ask, though, is “Aren't all those Bachelors and Bachelorettes married?” Isn't that the point of the show? If they aren't, then why do they keep having the shows? I mean, clearly their process doesn't work.

So why do people even bother watching? It's not like the stakes are all that great. Heck, they might as well call it "The Engagement That Will Only Last for a Couple of Weeks or Maybe Months." (Admittedly, that's not quite as catchy as "The Bachelor," but we'll work on it.)

From the office of "What is Justin Bieber up To This Week?"

Not giving birth, apparently. (Maybe next week??)

From the office of "Best and Premier Office of Redundancy"

So I was watching ESPN the other day and they had a segment that, I believe, was called "Coors Light Cold Hard Facts." Not too much out of the ordinary there. I mean, corporate sponsorship and sports go together like peanut butter and something that goes well with peanut butter.

But what made me take notice was the fact it was announced as such: "Coors Light Cold Hard Facts, brought to you by Coors Light." Didn't anyone script that out ahead of time? Or even the guy saying it must have practiced beforehand, right? So why didn't it occur to anyone how unintelligent that sounds.

My theories: 1) Too much Coors Light drinking leads to too much "Coors Light" saying. 2) The dude gets paid by every word he reads. 3) Too much underestimation with regard to the backlash they would receive from the Ducks!!

Actually, #3 is not theory... it is truth.

From the office of "espn.com Headlines That Give Me a Moment of Pause"

"Tiger, red-hot Rose grouped for British Open."

After his well-documented troubles, shouldn't we all be doing our best to keep Tiger away from anyone who is considered to be "hot?" Just sayin...

From the office of "Kids Who Are Too Smart for Their Own Good"

The "Barefoot Bandit" has finally been caught. If you haven't heard about this (or even if you have, I suppose...), there was this kid, Colton Harris-Moore, from the Northwest who has stolen planes, cars and at least one boat. His claim to fame, besides previously eluding capture, is that he allegedly committed his crimes in bare feet.

Harris-Moore apparently managed to fly planes without any training whatsoever. Not that I condone criminal behavior, but that absolutely astounds me. I'm a reasonably bright guy, but learning to fly a plane without instruction? No way. (I did fail my driver's license road test twice before getting it on the third try.) (Well, they didn't tell me that running over old people was against the rules.)

Unfortunately (for him, not others), he wasn't smart enough to realize that he would eventually be caught.

From the office of "Octopi Who Are Too Smart For Their Own Good"

Paul the Oracle Octopus did his species proud and perfectly predicted the outcome for the entire World Cup.

Unfortunately for him, the other octopi will now mock Octopus Paul behind his back and make up pregnancy rumors. (Hey, it all comes with the price of fame.)

Editors’ note: We have absolutely no idea where he got that "multi-national conglomerate" bit from.